Has it ever been here?

Love was not in the air I was breathing as I woke up with eyes exhausted from last night's painful catharsis. Neither was it there waiting at the doorstep as I trudged on home. It was the same dismal air. An air i have been breathing for two years now. An air I thought was comforting ..like it should be.

It's been a dreary Valentine full of anger and bitterness. What a day to feel like a stranger in a house you've grown in . What a day to feel this sense of betrayal by my own delusion. What a damn f'ing day to realize that love might not be there to stay even for the rest of this mushy-inspired day.

Seems to me, love never was there when  I arrived two years ago with my angel thinking I would make them happy bringing them my jewel. Seems to me that love has not been there at all when I watched my angel seemingly being doted.

I think of it that way now because the one who brought me into this world has the propensity, after all these f'ing years, to lob it into my face that big hunk of frustration that I am.

So, I could say that love ...perhaps... got lost on the way home when I was being born.... Love was not there when I stood up for my choices and fought for it on that cold new year morning. Love was not behind me the least when I signed that piece of paper before the judge.. Love was not there when I announced an angel is on the way to brighten my life.

....All the way into today, I realized the painful truth that there isn't love at all..not a single smithereen even... as she chucked it all behind me those baaaaaadd things that I am to them after all this time. Her tongue was the sword. I can still feel it sharp and piercing through me...rusting, tarnished, depression-poisoned.

Since this is how it is.. I wonder... is it still sane to stick around? I don't know. Now that I think that love has never been to this part of the universe, this place feels darker and colder...because love has not been here.

....Or maybe it has been...it just wasn't UNCONDITIONAL....

POIGNANT Post-Holiday Musing

There were no bombastic fireworks nor loud music that Christmas eve. Just My Hubby,my son,My sister and her baby, my Brother, a cousin, and of course Mom and dad.

                                           

Nothing fancy for dinner. Just a simple ball of sweet ham, some pasta and the efervescent liquor in all types and shade. My son singing and warbling and dancing to the songs of The Polar Express on HBO while I prepared the pasta and some  graham tiramisu.

On Christmas morning, my son was still that boisterous lil' one up and about bugging everyone with his plastic rider.  Dad was seated on a chair holding my two-month old niece when my son decided to clamber on that empty chair beside them so he could have a good view and hold baby Gilian. ...

Looking at his grandkids, Dad took a big sigh and uttered lovingly and sadly, in broken tagalog.."hmm...too bad, your Lola has nothing to give you little ones for Christmas. " ..

The way he said it was so like "bam!" but with a soft thud... I just had to smile then quickly look away as tears were beginning to blur my view. My son just looked on, listening intently to his Lolo with that innocent gaze like he knows what his lolo was saying anyway.

I couldn't resist but watch them after suppressing my tears. Dad with baby Gil and my son..on a Christmas Day. I know my parents love their grandkids and they want to be as doting to them as any grandparents should. That day was no ordinary one.Having them all together was, to me, a very happy scene. I would put it as like looking at a simple picture and walking away with that unexplainable bliss.

Mom has stopped working, leaving all the cudgels to dad. That made the gravy train come in halves making the household stretch all there is. I dont expect my parents to shower their grandkids with gifts on days like Christmas. It's enough for me to see them being loved well by mom and dad.

So on that Christmas, I raise my head up high in praise and gratefulness to The Great Povidence for that great moment and for many more like those to come...                                                      

Daddies as Mommies, vice versa..

This was one of the pics sent by a good ol' friend.

Funny...but cute ...and really wow.

Funny because...res ipsa loquitur, ne?

Cute because...awww...look at daddy ..trying hard to fill up mommy's shoes.

Wow because..where in hell's fire is Mom? ...or perhaps, is mom really NOT around to give baby those real titties?

Another wow if you weigh a dad's love for the baby right there...

Trust me, if i know the mom who's missing in action here, I'm going to say "Honey, ya don't know what yer' missin!!!"

Glad the baby ain't a baby in this pic...

On this day..some 3 years ago...

 

On this day some three years ago, I was out on the street talking with some resto manager to fix me a luncheon ...

On this day some three years ago, I was sweating blood, crying in pain..emotionally distraught and..from what i see now..totally lost, mixed up in extreme emotions of excruciating pain and a dab of bliss.

On this day some three years ago, I was on a car and being the subject of painful taunts...

On this day some three  years ago, I seem to be the loneliest soltera in town, watching a chosen fact and its consequences before my very eyes...

On this day some three years ago, I was out there at a familiar bar drowning all my pain away as i celebrate the world's loneliest despedida de soltera (to me it seemed)

On this day some three years ago, I was on a taxi prodding the driver to just take me to somewhere I could feel the wind on my face, my hair. Out where the cold night air could dry away those painful yet intoxicating tears...Truly enough, there I was sticking my head out of the runway highway..like nuts.

I don't want to be in that situation again, I often pray. I learned, though, that appreciating a rose from the stem upwards ain't painful at all especially when you finally smell that lovely sweet scent in the rose of a love so ardently prayed for.

Nights like these...

I was born when the moon was in its waxing gibbous stage.

Well, for those who doesn't have the idea of a waxing gibbous moon, The waxing gibbous Moon is very nearly full and illuminated generally from the right. This phase of the Moon is seen to rise sometime in the afternoon when few people are looking at the sky. This is why it usually goes unnoticed until it gets dark at sunset. By that time the gibbous Moon is well above the southeastern horizon. The Moon is in this phase for nearly a week between first quarter and full. Just a day or so before Full Moon the waxing gibbous Moon appears nearly full and might be mistaken for a full Moon. The Moon in this phase sets just shortly before sunrise.

...And the way the moon shines these past nights have left me in an altered state of peace and quiet. I was told that a full moon is an excellent time to increase psychic gifts, extrasensory faculties and spirituality.

All invocations involving the lunar deities, spirits, fertility, transformation and prophetic dreams are favored. ..Problem is ..i don't know how..and maybe a bit too innocently scared to try it out.....