Love was not in the air I was breathing as I woke up with eyes exhausted from last night's painful catharsis. Neither was it there waiting at the doorstep as I trudged on home. It was the same dismal air. An air i have been breathing for two years now. An air I thought was comforting ..like it should be.
It's been a dreary Valentine full of anger and bitterness. What a day to feel like a stranger in a house you've grown in . What a day to feel this sense of betrayal by my own delusion. What a damn f'ing day to realize that love might not be there to stay even for the rest of this mushy-inspired day.
Seems to me, love never was there when I arrived two years ago with my angel thinking I would make them happy bringing them my jewel. Seems to me that love has not been there at all when I watched my angel seemingly being doted.
I think of it that way now because the one who brought me into this world has the propensity, after all these f'ing years, to lob it into my face that big hunk of frustration that I am.
So, I could say that love ...perhaps... got lost on the way home when I was being born.... Love was not there when I stood up for my choices and fought for it on that cold new year morning. Love was not behind me the least when I signed that piece of paper before the judge.. Love was not there when I announced an angel is on the way to brighten my life.
....All the way into today, I realized the painful truth that there isn't love at all..not a single smithereen even... as she chucked it all behind me those baaaaaadd things that I am to them after all this time. Her tongue was the sword. I can still feel it sharp and piercing through me...rusting, tarnished, depression-poisoned.
Since this is how it is.. I wonder... is it still sane to stick around? I don't know. Now that I think that love has never been to this part of the universe, this place feels darker and colder...because love has not been here.
....Or maybe it has been...it just wasn't UNCONDITIONAL....
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