Losing, Letting Go, Leaving, Living.....

    I started this semester on a positive note hoping i'd do better in school and compete like a staunch law stude. But somewhere along the way... I realize I have on my hands new responsibilites... more of like a moral responsisbility.
    I have always believed that I have prepared myself for any "leaving" or for any "left behind" event. But hearing news of a probable "leaving" made me realize that this concept of preparedness is not what i actually have. I realize that this "preparedness" banner that i was trying to wave was actually a form of denial.
    Yes, it is refusing to believe in the surreal, choosing what to foresee, and relying on what I actually wanted to see....which, in the real world might all mean naught.
    And being faced with a probable foresight has left me off-balanced and mindless for the past three weeks....... my poor schooling, my poor mind, my poor self......tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.....

FOUR THIRTY PM, Monday

yes... i am something like 40 minutes late for my 4 pm class.. because I chose to...
I guess this is what happens when the stupid pointless school watchamacallitz take a toll on me....i guess this is my "I hate law school" time.....

Wives and lovers.....by Conrado de Quiroz, PDI,8/06/07

MANILA, Philippines -- I do not now recall what the title of the movie was or what it was about. What I recall is that there was a scene there where the hero lands in jail in provincial France after being put there by the husband of the woman he was seeing. The hero, a visiting American, pleads his case before the warden. Surely, he says, it is no crime. Surely, he says, the warden can understand these things, after all he is French. The warden listens judiciously and then replies (words to this effect):

“Ah, monsieur, to see a married woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American. You deserve jail.”

I remembered this when I read that Noli Eala has been disbarred from being a lawyer by the Supreme Court. The reason for it being that he has been seeing a married woman and has in fact had a child by her. The complaint was filed by the woman’s husband, who submitted various proofs of it. The Supreme Court was stentorian in its condemnation:

“In carrying on this extramarital affair with the woman prior to the declaration that her marriage with complainant was null and void, and despite respondent himself being married, he showed disrespect for an institution held sacred by the law. And he betrayed his unfitness to be a lawyer.”

When I read this, the first thing I wondered about was what constituted fitness to be a lawyer. Was it a capacity to be faithful to one’s spouse or the talent to not get caught? Was it the capacity to be as irreproachable as Caesar’s wife or the talent to make Caesar’s wife look irreproachable while doing things with her behind Caesar’s back? If the second, then I can buy the Supreme Court’s reproach. If the first, well, if the Court is serious about it, then I fear we may not have very many compañeros left to share their company, not excluding the justices of the Supreme Court themselves.

One could almost always hear the Court observing judiciously underneath these words: “To see a married woman, that is being a compañero. To get caught, that is being a karpentero.”

In movies, farces like this produce only comic effects. In real life, farces like this produce tragic ones. Eala himself argues that he did not carry out his relationship with the woman “in scandalous circumstances,” the sine qua non of disbarment, his intentions, even if they went against the grain of orthodoxy, being honorable. Proof of it was that he readily acknowledged being the father of the woman’s child and would like nothing better than to live with her if the laws of God and man, or at least of Juan de la Cruz and his Catholic God, did not forbid it. In movies, that could very well be a love story.

I do not know Noli from Fili, I’ve never met him. I only know that he has the thankless job of trying to sell an increasingly un-sellable product in the form of Philippine basketball, a passion that has doomed this country to sports limbo. But I do know injustice—or hypocrisy—when I see one.

At the very least, I don’t know what the Supreme Court’s ruling exactly upholds. It suggests of course that it is the institution of marriage by frowning on Eala’s apparent betrayal of it. But I’ve always thought marriage was premised on one very fundamental element, which is mutual consent, if not indeed passion, on free choice, if not indeed willing surrender. If a marriage is bad, I don’t know why the law, in all its majesty, must exert itself to enforce it. Does this ruling really uphold a very Christian view of unions or a very macho view of a man’s proprietary claim to his wife, no more and no less than his proprietary claim to his car, which at the extreme gives him leave to commit a crime of passion?

But I leave that for another day. More to the point, Eala’s crime, if it is so, is a private one: His affront is to another person, not to the public. I do not know why the Supreme Court should deem the institutions of law and marriage so infirm they can be rocked to their roots by the shudders of love, however tumultuous and illicit. This country does not lack for lawyers whose crimes are patently public ones: The injury, quite apart from insult, they inflict is to the citizenry, not to another person. I do not know that the institutions of law and democracy are so stout they can withstand the kind of pummeling they’ve gotten lately from absolute malefactors.

Virgilio Garcillano and Lintang Bedol are lawyers. They are proud of the fact and advertise it at every turn. Why the Supreme Court has not yet defrocked them before the bar, well, that can only be explained by the kinds of bars the justices frequent. Bedol, in what we can only attribute to divine intervention, supplied the perfect image for what he and Garci are—or indeed what Benjamin Abalos and his entire crew in the Comelec are—by finally heeding Abalos’s summons wearing an eye patch. Presumably he was having an eye infection treated—alas, to no avail. But there and then, heaven’s message was clear: Lady Justice wore a blindfold to show that the law saw no race, no creed, no color. Gentleman Bedol wore an eye patch to suggest that the Comelec scorned no coin, no bribe, no blandishment.

Garci went on to run as congressman of Bukidnon, though fortunately the voters there wore neither blindfold nor eye patch and resolved not to add “Honorable” to “Hello.” And Bedol continues to breathe the same air we do. But Noli Eala, who has merely defied unnatural obstacles to promote his affections—and whose real crime is defying natural obstacles to promote a sport premised on height—may no longer apply himself to things in the name of the law.

Feel free to take the lesson you feel more appropriate: Don’t be unfaithful to your spouse, only to the voters. Or, two, don’t be caught being unfaithful to your spouse, only to the voters

What I think?

All the rut starts in law school somehow....

La Litanya Para Mi Dulce, Dulce Amiga..

your grief sounded like...er ...felt
like the last part of a harry potter 5 or 6...i ended up with like
this bowling ball sa puso,,, and my tears welling up...

I once had this big crush on a guy and
i was so certain that he liked me too because we can't stop nor hide
our happy happy sweet smiles for each other each time we meet. ...I
knew he does like me ..but i got this mental thing about perhaps im
just too assuming. ....

I couldn't keep myself from finding
ways to let him know...until one time...er.. at one of their small
town concerts... he saw me watching him from the "sidestage"
?

After their number, he went down and
sat beside me...and i mean on the dusty sidewalk pavemement nang
walang kiyeme...

We started talking about people... his
talent.. then to fans ..and admirers...

I don't know what got into me that time
until i finally, without stammering, without remorse nor
horror(ngorks!, nor that big old shame to spare my face...I told him:

"You know...dont deny ..that you
got a lot of admirers... and i wonder where would i fit into that
frame  of you and the crowd and the drools...and me admiring you..."

He stopped and stared at me waiting for
more answers (wide-eyed, jaw dropped)....

And i continued... "i really like
you, but i think you're too busy with your  admirers that you
couldn't notice me.."

" i like you because you're sweet
and honest ..blah blah blah... just the way you are.."

I swear I saw that sweet smile on his
face again and that "mysterious warm pinkish glow"
(wahehehe) about him despite that dull orangey light from the street
light above us...And he said, in all tenderness " really?...i'm
not too preoccupied with people...i'm not too busy with those
admirers you've been talking about... i ..i was just too
assuming..too scared that you might not fee....."

He was cut short by the roar of the
crowd...they were asking him to get back on stage. He couldn't do
anything but follow because his band was already doing an intro...

And so he know .. I thought. I spent
the rest of that night... (and for the  rest of the week)smiling
myself to sleep. Like i have this sense of relief that i was able to
tell him this deep deep thingy that i have for him.

He kissed me on the cheek once at a
pageant where i won to the roar of the crowd... He held my hand tight
and held it close to his heart as he serenaded us contestants ..like
i was the only girl he was singing for.. he  speaks fondly of me to
his mom, i was told by friends (momma's boy!)... he had the power to
ask permission from my mom to take me out...(yeah, THE power to
elicit a sweet and trusting “yes” from my mom) He also invited me
for band practices on sunday afternoons because he wanted me to sing
with them ... (to which i never went at all)

I was very happy for like... a year and
a few months with those things happening... but i realized i was
missing something .. that i couldnt just remain this way happy(or
contented) with the things he's been show me .. and me interpreting
it as “mhwaw...he likes me...”.. Because I never heard him...like
straight from the horse's mouth the words “I Like You Too”..

It was like a reckoning.. I told myself
that if he likes me really.. .well i'll just have to wait for him at
my junk-filled doorstep for that. ( kasi he knew my mom liked him
too)...

.....Until we drifted away...hmmm..
apart... got to know someone else ....two.. three relationships...
and got married : he's is an austrian mystiza and mine a sweet
Iyzagada..

I would meet him on the streets or the
mall...anywhere... and a little of that smile we used to have would
show... and i couldn't help but wonder what might have been if things
went at THAt different turn...

I would recall those memories with
sweetness... and a tinge (as in 1mm kung susukatin) of sour note for
those missing little words that never came...But hearing my adorable
son do a “titika wiwiwan” number and watching my husband lost in
his books...ah,......naman.... I am happy.

*********************

It is a reason to be
depressed... but I believe you have more reasons to be happy... your
family is always there for you ...you got friends that care... you
got a beautiful voice to boast.... you got a wonderful shrink-like
brilliance that I am so grateful for .... you got law school to
channel your energies....you have your stilleto heels to tap along
session road with friends on a stroll... you have coffee and bread at
PV  .....

I think some relationships
fail because people fail or forget to love themselves. Martyrdom is
for things other than relationship...i think.

(Heheheh... got another
story for you on this pero some other time na lang)

But here's one radical
thought i have .... Why not try to tell him straight that you like
him...and just  leave him to ponder... i know it's kinda'...
repulsive(?)

Something like “ I know it
might sound mushy... but i have to get this out of my system for my
own peace. I find myself growing fond of our e-mails and stuff...so
much that I think I now find myself liking you a lot.... It gave me
something to look forward to each day... Your emails made me happy
for the rest of the day....blah blah blah....Not that I'm coming on
too strong.. But I just want to be honest with myself...”

 

Tapos.... dont talk to him
na. Leave it like it's some spoiled fruit at a fruit stand. Try to
check once in a while if he would reply or what..But dont expect
though.. (para di masakit)

For me, telling that someone
my feelings for him is some kind of a release...and if it ends up
unrequited, sorry na lang. All that mattered was I was able to let
him know that I had liked him at one point only that he failed to
..think about his'. Then i'd give myself a tap on the shoulders for a "hip hip...yeaaaaahhh".

Like you've said: It's a
search. If it's not him...then it might not be him. I believe it's a
matter of trying to work it out. We just can't live on reading
between the lines. He has to spit up kung meron man (no matter how complicated his life is )  Parang sa partnership.. hindi lahat ng partners eh
industrial ..someone has to be a capital partner... heheh (sorry, hang
over sa reading lang poh..)

Really, Dearie, nakakaiyak
mga sinulat mo....but rise above the ashes, gurl.....

My warm hugs............

Sumthin' About Summer

When the school bell rings for the last day of school back in grade school, the walk back home with the scent of dried grass being burned and the warm afternoon sun dancing on my skin...are enough to convince me that Summer has come...

But the ambience of a season doesn't end there. Looking back, I realize I have so much to return to so I could complete my definition of being sane and sensible. ..yes, sensible enough to be a mom to my fast-growing lil' boy and a wife to my husband.

The pressures of school must have driven the very source of art and creativity out me for the last seven months. So much that I think the "artist" of my being is now shouting for a reprieve...

Mhwaw.....

skulmate number 1 : the candy that got lost....

Sweet, spoiled, beauteous, frantically compulsive. Loves love..but not the lover exactlly. Falls in then out again leaving behind cold cold air and bitterness. ...

Karma and Status QUo Ante ala Grey's Anatomy..

George (Voiceover): Ok, so sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're going to regret the moment, the minute, especially the morning after. I mean maybe not regret regret, because at least, you know, we put ourselves out there, but still. Something inside us decides to do a crazy thing. A thing we know will probably turn around and bite us in the ass. Yet we do it anyway. What I’m saying is “we reap what we sow.” What comes around goes around. It’s karma. And anyway you slice it, karma sucks. Like I was saying: Payback is a bitch...

THEN..MEREDITH FINDS GEORGE PACKING UP READY TO LEAVE THE HOUSE>>>..Tries to have a talk after a buffooned One night stand...

George: Why? I just wanna know...why you--if you didn't want to.
Meredith: I didn't know I didn't want to. You were there and you were saying all these perfect things and I was sad. And so I thought "Maybe...maybe I've just been overlooking what's been in front of me...and if I just give it a chance, because you're George and you're so great." I didn't know I didn't want to until I knew I didn't want to.
George(Sadly): Yeah. Okay.
Meredith: Can we please just go back to everything the way it was?
George(pause): I don't know how to go back.(pauses) No. I'm done. We're done.

George: I believe in karma. You know I mean, good people deserve good things. At least that’s how I thought the…universe worked.
Cristina: How can you think that and practice medicine?

Mixed Up Puck,,,

As all other alchemist seeking appreciation, Puck heads for his woodland lab... and gets to work on his commissioned task of making Titania fall in love with Oberon all over again.

The potion was ready. With one thumb covering the test tube filled with bubbly green muck, Puck scuttles off into the woods where Titania was enjoying the warm summer night air with some elves.

Titania was asleep when Puck let the potion drip onto her lips and down her throat...

The potion was meant to work with a catch: that Titania is to fall in love with the first man she sees when she wakes up.

It should have worked well. Only that...Oberon wasn't there when she opened her eyes... It was somebody else standing from afar.. It was the silly ass-headed Bottom. ...

And so the silly enchantment dragged on...

Shen Does a Pam Tillis...

..Since you had to figure this one out

Did you really think last night would last forever?

Did you really think that guy hung the moon?

Right now you hate yourself 'coz..

You knew better..

There's no use crying over spilled perfume...

No use cryin' over.. uh huh.. No use cryin' over...

'Coz there's no use crying over spilled perfume...

Hang on there, gurl...just know where you stand!!!

Has it ever been here?

Love was not in the air I was breathing as I woke up with eyes exhausted from last night's painful catharsis. Neither was it there waiting at the doorstep as I trudged on home. It was the same dismal air. An air i have been breathing for two years now. An air I thought was comforting ..like it should be.

It's been a dreary Valentine full of anger and bitterness. What a day to feel like a stranger in a house you've grown in . What a day to feel this sense of betrayal by my own delusion. What a damn f'ing day to realize that love might not be there to stay even for the rest of this mushy-inspired day.

Seems to me, love never was there when  I arrived two years ago with my angel thinking I would make them happy bringing them my jewel. Seems to me that love has not been there at all when I watched my angel seemingly being doted.

I think of it that way now because the one who brought me into this world has the propensity, after all these f'ing years, to lob it into my face that big hunk of frustration that I am.

So, I could say that love ...perhaps... got lost on the way home when I was being born.... Love was not there when I stood up for my choices and fought for it on that cold new year morning. Love was not behind me the least when I signed that piece of paper before the judge.. Love was not there when I announced an angel is on the way to brighten my life.

....All the way into today, I realized the painful truth that there isn't love at all..not a single smithereen even... as she chucked it all behind me those baaaaaadd things that I am to them after all this time. Her tongue was the sword. I can still feel it sharp and piercing through me...rusting, tarnished, depression-poisoned.

Since this is how it is.. I wonder... is it still sane to stick around? I don't know. Now that I think that love has never been to this part of the universe, this place feels darker and colder...because love has not been here.

....Or maybe it has been...it just wasn't UNCONDITIONAL....

POIGNANT Post-Holiday Musing

There were no bombastic fireworks nor loud music that Christmas eve. Just My Hubby,my son,My sister and her baby, my Brother, a cousin, and of course Mom and dad.

                                           

Nothing fancy for dinner. Just a simple ball of sweet ham, some pasta and the efervescent liquor in all types and shade. My son singing and warbling and dancing to the songs of The Polar Express on HBO while I prepared the pasta and some  graham tiramisu.

On Christmas morning, my son was still that boisterous lil' one up and about bugging everyone with his plastic rider.  Dad was seated on a chair holding my two-month old niece when my son decided to clamber on that empty chair beside them so he could have a good view and hold baby Gilian. ...

Looking at his grandkids, Dad took a big sigh and uttered lovingly and sadly, in broken tagalog.."hmm...too bad, your Lola has nothing to give you little ones for Christmas. " ..

The way he said it was so like "bam!" but with a soft thud... I just had to smile then quickly look away as tears were beginning to blur my view. My son just looked on, listening intently to his Lolo with that innocent gaze like he knows what his lolo was saying anyway.

I couldn't resist but watch them after suppressing my tears. Dad with baby Gil and my son..on a Christmas Day. I know my parents love their grandkids and they want to be as doting to them as any grandparents should. That day was no ordinary one.Having them all together was, to me, a very happy scene. I would put it as like looking at a simple picture and walking away with that unexplainable bliss.

Mom has stopped working, leaving all the cudgels to dad. That made the gravy train come in halves making the household stretch all there is. I dont expect my parents to shower their grandkids with gifts on days like Christmas. It's enough for me to see them being loved well by mom and dad.

So on that Christmas, I raise my head up high in praise and gratefulness to The Great Povidence for that great moment and for many more like those to come...                                                      

Daddies as Mommies, vice versa..

This was one of the pics sent by a good ol' friend.

Funny...but cute ...and really wow.

Funny because...res ipsa loquitur, ne?

Cute because...awww...look at daddy ..trying hard to fill up mommy's shoes.

Wow because..where in hell's fire is Mom? ...or perhaps, is mom really NOT around to give baby those real titties?

Another wow if you weigh a dad's love for the baby right there...

Trust me, if i know the mom who's missing in action here, I'm going to say "Honey, ya don't know what yer' missin!!!"

Glad the baby ain't a baby in this pic...

On this day..some 3 years ago...

 

On this day some three years ago, I was out on the street talking with some resto manager to fix me a luncheon ...

On this day some three years ago, I was sweating blood, crying in pain..emotionally distraught and..from what i see now..totally lost, mixed up in extreme emotions of excruciating pain and a dab of bliss.

On this day some three years ago, I was on a car and being the subject of painful taunts...

On this day some three  years ago, I seem to be the loneliest soltera in town, watching a chosen fact and its consequences before my very eyes...

On this day some three years ago, I was out there at a familiar bar drowning all my pain away as i celebrate the world's loneliest despedida de soltera (to me it seemed)

On this day some three years ago, I was on a taxi prodding the driver to just take me to somewhere I could feel the wind on my face, my hair. Out where the cold night air could dry away those painful yet intoxicating tears...Truly enough, there I was sticking my head out of the runway highway..like nuts.

I don't want to be in that situation again, I often pray. I learned, though, that appreciating a rose from the stem upwards ain't painful at all especially when you finally smell that lovely sweet scent in the rose of a love so ardently prayed for.

Nights like these...

I was born when the moon was in its waxing gibbous stage.

Well, for those who doesn't have the idea of a waxing gibbous moon, The waxing gibbous Moon is very nearly full and illuminated generally from the right. This phase of the Moon is seen to rise sometime in the afternoon when few people are looking at the sky. This is why it usually goes unnoticed until it gets dark at sunset. By that time the gibbous Moon is well above the southeastern horizon. The Moon is in this phase for nearly a week between first quarter and full. Just a day or so before Full Moon the waxing gibbous Moon appears nearly full and might be mistaken for a full Moon. The Moon in this phase sets just shortly before sunrise.

...And the way the moon shines these past nights have left me in an altered state of peace and quiet. I was told that a full moon is an excellent time to increase psychic gifts, extrasensory faculties and spirituality.

All invocations involving the lunar deities, spirits, fertility, transformation and prophetic dreams are favored. ..Problem is ..i don't know how..and maybe a bit too innocently scared to try it out.....

SEal A fate with choices we make?...

"I'm really sorry. Much as I wantd to, I can't come and mit you...I gotta' stop compromising myself and cut off with my husband..."

Her cellphone was bright-white with really big fonts enough to catch my attention as I sat on a dark jeepney bound for home. Yes, I admit being nosy reading a stranger's composed text message and noticing her staring far off and blankly past the shoulders of our  co-passengers.

"oh..she must be married..and seeing someone else..perhaps.."  I mused in half-innocent wonder... My passenger-seatmate appeared obviously troubled because she wouldn't give a damn of other passengers passing their fares off her.

Then I get to ask myself...that how many of us in this world are actually happy with decisions we make? And if we find that such were badly made, how many of actually get out of it and remain unscathed?...and others unharmed?

In such a time and space that I am in right now, I believe incidences of extra-marital affairs are actually very much alive like worts on a fat stone..oh, and yes...they're not just the thing silverscreen dramas are made of!

Though I could say that I am aware of its existence, I never thought I would still be left in a state of that half-innocent wonder and speechless shock when faced with real people who are into it.

Then after such a shock...the process of beginning to understand peculiarities of each one's human nature and the surrounding circumstances begin...

...ANd from there...I begin to realize...that the very instinct of being judgemental about other people would be actually "cured" or erased the moment you try to open your mind and ears and heart to someone caught in an unlikely situation which is vulnerable to disdain.

How They Remind Me....

       

Looking back when I still have those gazillion dreams I used to believe I could surmount all in one hell'uva BigFootie, I would only find comfort belting out songs from my mother's records and top 40 love songs..and country ones good for swiggin'...within the four corners of my home.

Until one by one people started to believe I could make out some sensible tunes. Among them was An Aunt I fondly Connie. She's really way past her boogie days yet full of vibrance and sprigs of that youthfull optimism in things she do.

I was then introduced to these group of young 'uns and I felt my jaw drop the first time I heard them play. That was also the first time I get to try out with, to me,  really enthusiastic musicians.

They were not THE PSYCHOVIBES back then. Just youngsters starting out and inching their way to that "band-dom" sort of thing.

...And so life happened. I honestly drifted away from that dream I had of being in one of those behind the mics and kicking out my boots making people dance. I guess I got too much engrossed with so many things at the same time that I found myself barely accomplishing anything in years.

To my amazement, hearing Kerwin, Johnson, Nomar and Kirby years after and strutting it out at the debut..gave me that sting. Like.. geeze.. these men (of course they are now!) always drop my jaws each time i hear them play in a long time!..and they even have a name now...PSYCHOVIBES....

It makes me heave a really big sigh. A sigh of happiness and pride at how far these adings of mine have gone. A small puff of carbon dioxidic breath for me thinking.. hell, i couldn't have gone that far.

So, I can't  call them now ..just adings..coz they have a name (collectively)..And I shall say it with much pride. /say-koh-vaybz/ ...gotta pronounce it with the proper bilabials and mid-tongues.

THE PSYCHOVIBES, to me, never fail to remind me of the principle of faith,zeal, and perseverance which could always go hand in hand with having fun.

THE PSYCHOVIBES struck me with the realization that ..there is no such a thing as an "abandoned dream". It shall always be there..you just have to realize that it is. (er..so I guess that also means taking back some of those in my first paragraph /heh../gg)

THE PSYCHOVIBES are part my living inspirations of contentment and humility, of love and family, of dreams and the fun of reaching for them.

So I raise my glass (of daiquiri...no champagne eh. /wink) to the band and for all the experience, the one way ticket memories, the Demshang, Kangas, the BBYADI, and for all future successful gigs to come!!!!