your grief sounded like...er ...felt
like the last part of a harry potter 5 or 6...i ended up with like
this bowling ball sa puso,,, and my tears welling up...
I once had this big crush on a guy and
i was so certain that he liked me too because we can't stop nor hide
our happy happy sweet smiles for each other each time we meet. ...I
knew he does like me ..but i got this mental thing about perhaps im
just too assuming. ....
I couldn't keep myself from finding
ways to let him know...until one time...er.. at one of their small
town concerts... he saw me watching him from the "sidestage"
?
After their number, he went down and
sat beside me...and i mean on the dusty sidewalk pavemement nang
walang kiyeme...
We started talking about people... his
talent.. then to fans ..and admirers...
I don't know what got into me that time
until i finally, without stammering, without remorse nor
horror(ngorks!, nor that big old shame to spare my face...I told him:
"You know...dont deny ..that you
got a lot of admirers... and i wonder where would i fit into that
frame of you and the crowd and the drools...and me admiring you..."
He stopped and stared at me waiting for
more answers (wide-eyed, jaw dropped)....
And i continued... "i really like
you, but i think you're too busy with your admirers that you
couldn't notice me.."
" i like you because you're sweet
and honest ..blah blah blah... just the way you are.."
I swear I saw that sweet smile on his
face again and that "mysterious warm pinkish glow"
(wahehehe) about him despite that dull orangey light from the street
light above us...And he said, in all tenderness " really?...i'm
not too preoccupied with people...i'm not too busy with those
admirers you've been talking about... i ..i was just too
assuming..too scared that you might not fee....."
He was cut short by the roar of the
crowd...they were asking him to get back on stage. He couldn't do
anything but follow because his band was already doing an intro...
And so he know .. I thought. I spent
the rest of that night... (and for the rest of the week)smiling
myself to sleep. Like i have this sense of relief that i was able to
tell him this deep deep thingy that i have for him.
He kissed me on the cheek once at a
pageant where i won to the roar of the crowd... He held my hand tight
and held it close to his heart as he serenaded us contestants ..like
i was the only girl he was singing for.. he speaks fondly of me to
his mom, i was told by friends (momma's boy!)... he had the power to
ask permission from my mom to take me out...(yeah, THE power to
elicit a sweet and trusting “yes” from my mom) He also invited me
for band practices on sunday afternoons because he wanted me to sing
with them ... (to which i never went at all)
I was very happy for like... a year and
a few months with those things happening... but i realized i was
missing something .. that i couldnt just remain this way happy(or
contented) with the things he's been show me .. and me interpreting
it as “mhwaw...he likes me...”.. Because I never heard him...like
straight from the horse's mouth the words “I Like You Too”..
It was like a reckoning.. I told myself
that if he likes me really.. .well i'll just have to wait for him at
my junk-filled doorstep for that. ( kasi he knew my mom liked him
too)...
.....Until we drifted away...hmmm..
apart... got to know someone else ....two.. three relationships...
and got married : he's is an austrian mystiza and mine a sweet
Iyzagada..
I would meet him on the streets or the
mall...anywhere... and a little of that smile we used to have would
show... and i couldn't help but wonder what might have been if things
went at THAt different turn...
I would recall those memories with
sweetness... and a tinge (as in 1mm kung susukatin) of sour note for
those missing little words that never came...But hearing my adorable
son do a “titika wiwiwan” number and watching my husband lost in
his books...ah,......naman.... I am happy.
*********************
It is a reason to be
depressed... but I believe you have more reasons to be happy... your
family is always there for you ...you got friends that care... you
got a beautiful voice to boast.... you got a wonderful shrink-like
brilliance that I am so grateful for .... you got law school to
channel your energies....you have your stilleto heels to tap along
session road with friends on a stroll... you have coffee and bread at
PV .....
I think some relationships
fail because people fail or forget to love themselves. Martyrdom is
for things other than relationship...i think.
(Heheheh... got another
story for you on this pero some other time na lang)
But here's one radical
thought i have .... Why not try to tell him straight that you like
him...and just leave him to ponder... i know it's kinda'...
repulsive(?)
Something like “ I know it
might sound mushy... but i have to get this out of my system for my
own peace. I find myself growing fond of our e-mails and stuff...so
much that I think I now find myself liking you a lot.... It gave me
something to look forward to each day... Your emails made me happy
for the rest of the day....blah blah blah....Not that I'm coming on
too strong.. But I just want to be honest with myself...”
Tapos.... dont talk to him
na. Leave it like it's some spoiled fruit at a fruit stand. Try to
check once in a while if he would reply or what..But dont expect
though.. (para di masakit)
For me, telling that someone
my feelings for him is some kind of a release...and if it ends up
unrequited, sorry na lang. All that mattered was I was able to let
him know that I had liked him at one point only that he failed to
..think about his'. Then i'd give myself a tap on the shoulders for a "hip hip...yeaaaaahhh".
Like you've said: It's a
search. If it's not him...then it might not be him. I believe it's a
matter of trying to work it out. We just can't live on reading
between the lines. He has to spit up kung meron man (no matter how complicated his life is ) Parang sa partnership.. hindi lahat ng partners eh
industrial ..someone has to be a capital partner... heheh (sorry, hang
over sa reading lang poh..)
Really, Dearie, nakakaiyak
mga sinulat mo....but rise above the ashes, gurl.....
My warm hugs............
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