I know I am not that perfect, I am as flawed a woman as anybody could see.. I guess. I live my life thinking i must be happy with a path and a choice i made some years back....believing in the good of people... and that someday, i might not be able to look back and think about that other way i did not choose. ...
The path not taken, the decision to stay and believe and convince one's self that it must have been better than deciding to have the strength to gather myself and walk away.
...and as i look at that blue spot on the shin...like it's telling me straight to my face that this is what i chose, this is what i must bear.
Yet is it worng to think that I know I must deserve more than this. I deserve more than a hook-line -and -sinker approach to the culture of submissivenes in my midst. Is it wrong to think that i deserve to have the right to speak up and feel what i want instead of sitting with head bent listening to the masculine rants of the supposed pillars while my sanity and ego get trampled on under the thundrous temper I so believe I do not deserve.
I deserve a good conversation. I deserve a wider understanding. i deserve a less-myopic approach to my explanations which are in fact truths!!! I deserve a pause... a sabbatical....a respite.....or at least my own solace...
Because the more the blue emerges from the skin, the more it reminds me ... that hands can reach me through undeserved temper.. that words could hit me like blows to my mind and heart...pounding on me --- spelling out pride and obstinacy and culture-crap-full of standards that gag venuses and make them chew the bitter cud of choice ... and acceptance....
I know i have my faults. They shine more and store better on those grey crevices of a certain mind. These faults that come to stay and play like records each time any of my acts push the play-button-- thank you for that pre-programmed thinking!!! Whatever happened to the understanding and embracing all of one's being part? I dont just deserve painful pokes for changes. I deserve genuine, unprejudiced understanding.
Yet with the blue beneath the skin, the sharp and painful pang with each hatred-ridden word, the pride and blinding temper.... all together just feels the same to me.
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